It was fortunate and somewhat coincidental that the Austrian MotoGP race was sponsored heavily by Red Bull as we, and anyone unfortunate enough to be caught up in the MotoGP visual range, needed a bucket load to remain alert whilst observing the MotoGP events.
Both the sprint race and main race were duller than diluted hotdog water and just seemed to drag on forever with no real prospect of anything happening. Like living in Scotland.
But who’s to blame for this mind-numbing casserole of nonsense thinly disguised as a premier motorsport event? Who or what caused Sunday’s race to be the worst in MotoGP history? We at MGPN are about to point fingers…
Japan
“The Japanese manufacturers like to do things differently” we’re often told by some bearded know-it-all. These honourable smooth-faced noodle beaters do not rush into making knee-jerk decisions and releasing anything that’s not infinitely tested in fear of losing face and a dishonourable discharge. Each component of their finely crafted machines has been painstakingly tested by a team of semi-primate Japanese riders for days on end. Their pursuit of excellence means their MotoGP machines are nothing short of engineering perfection.
However all this also means their MotoGP machines are utter crap. Whilst Ducati and chums are randomly gluing new sticky-out bits on to somewhere else to see if it works (or hospitalises Michele Pirro) Honda and Yamaha are still evaluating if upside-down forks work.
The stinking chasm between the house of the rising wok and the European teams has never been greater than it is now. This means that top riders, sentenced to Japanese machinery, are doomed to never feature in a race and thus somehow entertain us.
Jorge Martin
As my grandmother would say “never trust anyone with two first names”. A wise (and probably somehow racist) statement that rang true in many of the MotoGP rider’s ears once the gravel had been picked out of them.
In Saturday’s sprint race Jorge Martin decided to go full Nakagami into the first corner resulting in a mass gaggle of riders been scuttled off in every direction. One of those gravel-victims was Marco Bezzecchi – one of the few riders that had the skillset capable of taking the fight to Bagnaia.
For his actions Jorge was given a long lap penalty in the main race…ruling himself out…and being probably the only other rider capable of taking the fight to Bagnaia.
Should he have been given a long lap penalty? Yes. But mainly for calling himself “The Martinator” which is a nickname so lame ChatGPT had an ‘Internal Server Error’ when we asked it to think of a worse one.
Cows’ arses
Cows fart a lot. Not just your annoying aunt but also the kind that are delicious when thick cut with a peppercorn sauce. One single dairy cow’s bum emits enough methane in a year to lift James Corden off the earth’s crust…and hopefully into a nearby combine harvester working in the field next door.
All that methane is bad for the environment. Or so we’re told by bald men with glasses. And that could, maybe, be the cause of Europe having a massive heatwave whilst us in the UK get piss wet through whilst walking the dog.
Instead of glorious weather in Austria for the MotoGP race a downpour could have spiced things up from the ‘utterly bland’ default setting. Furthermore we could have enjoyed all the English speaking commentators continuously insisting that this was “Jack Miller’s territory” before the Australian fell off.
Moto3
The Moto3 race was amazing. Even by Moto3 standards. This falsely elevated our hopes of a great MotoGP race…whilst we conveniently overlooked the mind-numbing grey-fest sprint race of the day before.
Maverick Vinales
Will we ever learn? Probably not. Having been ultra-fast and competitive throughout all practice and qualifying Top Gun looked set to gun for the top step of the podium. This would have been brilliant.
But of course, he never did. When will we learn?
Second string Ducati and KTM riders
Realistically Ducati, and to a lesser extent KTM, are the only manufacturers that have a bike capable of winning in MotoGP.
These teams have their headline acts…but then are mainly padded out with sub-standard journeymen who are so far away from Area 51 it’s not even funny. These riders (and we all know who they are) will never challenge the top-tier but have equipment superior enough to stay ahead of the orientally-cursed members of the grid.
Depressing.
Aero
We’re not sure how, but it probably had a rancid finger in proceedings