What?
With the entire planet now on high alert for troublesome contagious viruses it’s coming to a lot of people’s attention that the Ducatis are infesting the MotoGP grid. The DucatoVirus, as it’s medically known, first found its way into MotoGP in 2003 from a mutated strain of the World Superbike virus that at the time was running amok like a batch of rule-breaking knotweed.
Back then though MotoGP had strict rules in place to stop the DucatoVirus breaking or sidestepping any rules and spreading. However it was only a matter of time before the virus found new ways to unlock the DNA-rulebook and start rapidly duplicating itself.
Back in 2003, when it was first detected, there were only two known Ducatis on the grid. Now, in late 2022, there are hundreds of them polluting the grid with many dozen variants.
Identification
The DucatoVirus can be easily identified by its carbon protein spikes – or ‘winglets’. These winglets can change position, shape and number at any time throughout a season. These mutations can circumnavigate any new ‘safety’ regulations and thus allow the virus to thwart any pesky rulebook amendments aimed at supressing its spread.
Symptoms?
Because of its vast superiority the DucatoVirus gives its host riders a falsely inflated sense of brilliance as it can turn any average or below-average rider into a potential front runner. Luca Marini being a great example.
The pesky virus also seems to lower front tyre pressures allowing the bike to travel faster around corners than its inferior rivals.
Hierarchy
Unusually for a virus the DucatoVirus has a strict hierarchical system where the less dominant strains protect the more evolved versions fighting off any potential threats that may stop its quest of domination. Any strains that help the cause are given more carbon protein spikes and moved up the hierarchy.
Variants
As the DucatoVirus is constantly evolving there can usually be found up to two years’ worth of variants on a racetrack at any one time.
Is there a vaccination? Or a cure?
Currently there is no known cure to the virus other than self-isolation. Riders who are in close contact with the virus soon realise its superiority and begin to question if they too should be riding a Ducati.
Has it spread to other race formats?
Yes. Currently World Superbike, which ironically first gave the virus to MotoGP has started to evolve a new strain. The WSBK DucatoVirus has found a way to cheat the rulebook and allow its engine to rev far higher than its rulebound rivals. This has once again allowed the average host, this time Alvaro Bautista, to become vastly dominant and ruin the entertainment for everyone.
Can the public catch it?
Worryingly yes. The protein-spiked winglets and stupid aero devices are finding their way onto road going bikes. Obviously these have no real use on the road yet give the owner, like the MotoGP host riders, a vast sense of superiority.
Disturbingly the road version DucatoVirus also seems to trick the host’s mind into believing that re-mortgaging their house to pay for the bike was a sensible decision.