Media loudmouths have been calling for Freddie Spencer to be fired because it was sheer dumb luck that he didn’t kill any innocent people when crashing his SUV after… Wait, that wasn’t Freddie, it was the other guy… No, they want to fire Freddie because he gave someone a long lap penalty. Some people have suggested that MotoGP should bring in people with outside knowledge to take charge of the punishment process. Here we look at 3 celebrities with disciplinary experience who could serve as MotoGP Chief Steward.
Tonya Harding
Who?
The yokel ice-skating sensation shot to fame as one of the world’s best skaters. Then reached even further stardom when she was involved in a plot to assault her main rival Nancy Kerrigan. Her half-wit husband and his eighth-wit friend somehow managed to find a pair of even bigger morons than themselves and hire them to break Nancy’s kneecap. They didn’t manage this, but they did manage to get caught and leave a trail of evidence leading straight back to Ms Harding. Her dubious version of events is immortalized in the very entertaining Hollywood movie, “I, Tonya”.
Biggest Penalties
Banned for life from ice-skating competition after the Nancy Kerrigan incident. Several years later, the tiny 5’1″ woman also spent 3 days in jail for battering her much larger boyfriend and, for an additional 1 million yokel style points, throwing a hubcap at his head.
MotoGP Steward Potential
The biggest problem that Freddie Spencer faces is that the media are constantly snarking about his decisions. They’d be a bit slower to criticize if they were in hospital with broken kneecaps.
Nick Kyrgios
Who?
The Aussie is considered to be one of the most naturally talented tennis players in the world, and also one of the biggest A-holes.
Imagine if someone combined the talent of Valentino Rossi, the self-destructive insanity of Maverick Vinales, the IQ of Jack Miller, the morals of Marc Marquez and the gigantic, constantly flapping gob of Cal Crutchlow. Make that person a tennis player and you’ve got Nick Kyrgios.
Biggest Penalties
Holds the world record for the biggest ever tennis player fine: $113,000 for committing 5 serious offences at a tournament in Cincinnati. These included hurling foul-mouthed abuse at an umpire, spitting at an umpire and claiming he needed a bathroom break then instead using the time to go into a corridor, go nuts and furiously smash two tennis racquets to pieces against the floor.
Has received many more penalties, including fines for unsportsmanlike conduct of $47,000 in Miami, $25,000 in Indian Wells, and dozens of fines for swearing at and abusing umpires, line judges, opponents and spectators. Fined $32,900 and banned for 8 weeks after deliberately losing a match in Shanghai. Oh, and don’t forget the $17,500 fine for pretending to perform an obscene sex act with a water bottle during a match at Queen’s Club, one of the snootiest tennis venues in England.
MotoGP Steward Potential
Kyrgios has more experience of the disciplinary process than virtually any other current sportsman, so he should be considered a leading expert. Would respond to media criticism with foul-mouthed abuse and by hitting tennis balls towards them at 130mph, which is also a major positive.
John “Wild Thing” Daly
Who?
Probably the greatest ever redneck golfer, John Daly in his prime combined the blistering talent, randomness and insanity of Maverick Vinales with the eating habits of Uccio and the boozing of a pre-rehab John Hopkins.
Won the 1995 British Open, which is also known as “The Open” because British golf is too snooty and sophisticated to acknowledge that foreigners might also have Opens. This was especially popular with the fans as Daly’s version of snooty sophistication is to eat a giant bucket of fried chicken with a plastic fork instead of his fingers.
Biggest Penalties
Over his career, Daly has racked up more than $100,000 in fines. This includes 21 counts of “failing to give best efforts” and 11 counts of “conduct unbecoming a professional”. (Presumably having a personality is considered conduct unbecoming a professional golfer). The boring and stuck-up golfing authorities have condemned him for acts such as teeing off from a beer can instead of a tee (then chugging the beer), and teeing off in the opposite direction to the hole, just over the heads of the terrified crowd. (Copping a 200mph golf ball to the eye socket didn’t appeal to them, apparently). Many times he was fined for failing to sign his score card, which is broadly equivalent to touching a green line in motorcycle racing as it is a stupid offence that makes the authorities come down on you like a ton of bricks.
MotoGP Steward Potential
Daly would hugely liven up the Stewards Panel. Firstly, he would hold court in a nearby Hooters restaurant instead of at the track. Secondly, if journalists whined that he wasn’t explaining his decisions to their satisfaction, he would likely hurl bar stools at their heads. Thirdly, he would probably rule that there should be drive-through fast food outlets in the long lap penalty lane and it would be compulsory to finish a super-sized order before resuming the race.
Conclusion
The best option for the MotoGP Chief Steward is…
Freddie Spencer!
The guy’s a total legend who won the 500cc and 250cc world championships in the same year, at least 10 years after that became completely unthinkable. If Giacomo Agostini criticized his decisions that would be one thing, but most of his critics are a bunch of preening, self obsessed journos and second-rate, non-legendary racers. Freddie should be appointed Chief Steward for life, even if only to annoy all the right people.