Being seen as being Woke is the most important thing in the world currently. Woke people love nothing more than to post virtuous social media messages on their latest iPhone (made in a factory by suicidal slaves) before sitting down to enjoy a bowl of ramen and a lactose-free buffet.
Wokeness is all about inclusion – and therefore anyone who isn’t Woke should be excluded and classed as a Nazi. Sadly this means there are now more Nazis in Europe alone than in 1930s – which gives you some idea to why this is so important.
So how badly un-Woke is MotoGP? And how can it be fixed? We, at MPGN, have the answers…
Pollution
The often offended Woke brigade love electric cars. With their zero-emissions they’re taking the pollution out of the city and dumping it back into the countryside where the new power stations now live. Not that any of them drive these cars as they cost a frightening amount of money. But what’s the cost of an electric car compared to the cost of the planet? Well quite a lot when you don’t have a job and spend your day scrolling through Instagram looking for stuff to be offended by.
Solution
Our planet is dying and has anyone stopped to consider how the wholesale elimination of life on earth will affect minority groups?
Therefore MotoGP needs to switch to 100% electric. And the parts that are already electric, like the electrics, should be even more electric. Sure it would make the races last about 5 laps. And the racing would be terrible. And sound like a broken fridge. And the riders would switch to WSBK. But that’s a small price to pay for a clean, sustainable sport.
Diversity
MotoGP is clearly a white dominated sport – and if TV adverts have taught us anything recently it’s that this is an unacceptable ratio.
Solution
Start by pulling down the statue of Mike Hailwood at Goodwood as he was known as being white throughout his career.
Food
Sadly most MotoGP race circuits mainly rely on ‘burger vans’ to feed the ravenous spectators. And this clashes terribly with the ‘everything-free’ diet that Woke-folk eat without hardly ever lecturing the rest of us. It’s true that MotoGP has tried on many occasions to also include food outlets that serve vegan food but they have for some reason always proven incredibly unpopular compared to mechanically recovered, grilled bovine-anus.
Solution
Being Woke is all about giving everyone the freedom to choose. So by taking away all the none-vegan food outlets it would allow the spectators to then choose any of the bland, unsubstantial and vastly overpriced remaining options instead.
Sexism
MotoGP is sexist. All the riders in MotoGP are male – even the borderline cases like Luca Marini. Clearly there is some underlying sexism preventing female riders from making it to the top tier of motorcycle racing…and it wouldn’t surprise us if Bernie Ecclestone is behind it all.
MotoGP needs to have total equality.
Solution
Set up MotoGP-W for women riders only. Obviously also allow trans-women in – but only if they don’t win…as that would be unfair. The top ten riders in the MotoGP-W will then be given factory rides in MotoGP the following year even if it’s at the expense of other faster riders. That way everything’s equal.
LGBTQ+ riders
The common concept that MotoGP is a ‘man’s sport’ is one of the most offensive aspects of our bigoted sport. The current problems in Ukraine seem insignificant compared to the literal violence of being misgendered.
There have been no MotoGP riders past or present that have been trans – with the confusion over Neil Hodgson being the obvious exception.
Solution
Force all riders to identify as something other than their biological gender. If, mid-season, a rider feels like his/her/their/it’s identity is being used by too many other riders then allow the rider in question to change to a newer identity and then make a big song and dance about it. Any media outlet that refuses to print the new identification would be immediately classed as [something]-phobic.
Hashtags and Logos
These days a hashtag is worth a thousand words – and conveniently it also makes it easier to jump on the latest Woke bandwagon without having to do much boring research.
Logos are also a great way to let everyone know how much more you’re offended by stuff you are. Even F1 joined in on this concept a couple of years ago with their “we race as one” rainbow logo used everywhere. Sadly they had to slyly remove this logo when they decided (thanks to a huge sack of oily cash) to race in Saudi Arabia – a country known for torture, imprisoning homosexuals, executions and no free speech.
Solution
MotoGP should start joining in with all the latest hashtag movements. It’s always far more important to look like you care than actually doing anything about it. After that create a few hundred inclusive logos being extra careful not to offend anyone.
Grid girls
No. Wrong on every level. Let’s not forget that Al-Qaeda started off as a grid-girl appreciation group on Facebook.
Solution
Ban grid girls and then use the money saved to hire a few Woke representatives to jump online and harass and bully grid girls from other motorsports.
Meanwhile the sexist riders should hold their own umbrellas – which must be rainbow coloured.