The number of Ducatis in MotoGP is growing exponentially. Fears are growing that the whole race series will be overrun and reduced to a more expensive version of early 2000s WSBK. We have decided to investigate by developing a new computer model to predict the outcome. The alarming results are revealed here.
What’s happening?
When the Ducati team arrived in MotoGP back in 2003, they brought only 2 bikes. Since then, they have been multiplying. The number of Ducati bikes on the grid is rising from 6 to 8 for the 2022 season, which is completely unprecedented apart from the years 2016-18, when there were also 8 of them.
Our model
Applying our exclusive computer model of the MotoGP grid, which amounts to 4 million lines of BASIC and has been fact-checked as “reliable” by the top social media companies, we have projected this data forward to see what will happen over the next 5 years.
The output of the model shows that there will be almost 100 Ducatis on the grid for the 2027 season. We recommend that the Italian factory and its satellite teams should immediately start a crash program to find enough talentless younger brothers to fill all of these seats.
Why is Ducati doing this?
They haven’t won the MotoGP title since Casey Stoner triumphed in 2007. Since then, their trophy cabinet has been nearly as empty as the front of an Ottawa cop’s boxer shorts. After the departure of the moaning Aussie dirt-tracker, Ducati’s strategy was to try and win the title by hiring super-smooth, high corner speed, ex-250GP riders like Rossi, Lorenzo and Dovizioso to ride their bucking, weaving, low corner speed, straight line missile. For unknown reasons, this strategy didn’t pay off.
Their new strategy is to hire dozens of young riders and hope that one of them randomly wins the title, just like when Suzuki won in 2020 with whichever of their two Spanish riders happened to be crowned champ that year.
Why is the MotoGP title so important to Ducati?
Ducati is a “boutique” manufacturer. A boutique is a small, expensive shop that never sells anything and only survives because it’s owned by the rich sugar daddy of the gold-digging, blonde proprietor. In this case Ducati is the buxom young floozy, Audi is the lecherous old perv who pays the bills, und ze Germans are anxious to see some vinning results through zeir monocles. (Baseball cap sales and dealerships charging road bike customers more than their bike’s worth for a “desmo service” every 2 years can’t fund the cost of the Ducati MotoGP program alone).
Won’t this be expensive?
Yes. Hiring a Ducati Desmosedici MotoGP bike is believed to cost over $1 million per year. (This consists of $10,000 for the bike and $990,000 for a year’s worth of desmo services on 6 engines). However, that’s for the satellite teams to worry about. Ducati just need to keep making bikes that are terrifyingly quick in a straight line and the privateer chumps will keep lining up to buy them.
Will adding almost 100 bikes to the grid be dangerous?
No more than adding one bike with Darryn Binder on it.
Can MotoGP survive this onslaught?
Of course it can! World Superbike was basically the Ducati FIM Production Cup for about two decades (especially the year Hodgson won), and that series is going from strength to strength. An extra hundred Ducatis on the MotoGP grid is nothing to worry about.