How many times have you asked yourself which characters from classic motorcycle movies would correspond to your favourite MotoGP rider? Literally never! So now is the time to find out.
Movie: The Terminator (1984)
Character: T-101
Bike: Honda CB750
OK, The Terminator isn’t much of a motorcycle movie. Arnie’s character only rides a bike for 2 or 3 minutes, mostly in a key scene towards the end. Sarah Connor and Kyle Reese are driving a pickup through a tunnel and chucking pipe bombs back at The Terminator, who’s riding a Honda CB750. It’s Arnold Schwarzenegger’s best performance because he has hardly any lines and shows no emotion, which covers for the fact that he can’t act.
Most Similar MotoGP Rider: Jorge Lorenzo
Reason: Grumpy, po-faced and utterly relentless. That describes Horhay Lorenzo whether he was grinding out ultra-smooth wins on the track or abusing his rivals on social media.
Movie: Terminator 2: Judgement Day (1991)
Character: T-101
Bike: Harley Davidson Fat Boy
Much more of a bike movie than its predecessor, T2 features Arnie riding around on a Harley Davidson “Fat Boy”. (Harley riders call this model the “Dangerously Under-Nourished Boy”, while everyone else calls it the “Gigantic Blubberguts Jabba the Hutt Boy”). In the film, an outrageously punchable little scumbag called John Connor is rescued by a T-101 Terminator. This is because no human being would ever agree to help the obnoxious little A-hole, so a killer robot had to be programmed to do so. The Terminator in T2 has far more lines than the one in T1, in fact he talks constantly in comparison.
Most Similar MotoGP Rider: Cal Crutchlow
Reason: He’s made of metal, he never shuts up, and his protective relationship with John Connor is similar to the one that Cal has with Jackass Miller.
Movie: Mad Max (1979)
Character: Toecutter
Bike: Kawasaki Kz1000
[TRIGGER WARNING: This film contains outdated cultural stereotypes that may cause offence. Specifically, it depicts Australian cops as heroic figures, rather than a mob of feral thugs who spend their spare time whacking off to documentaries about the first half of World War 2.]
Mad Max is one of the greatest motorcycle movies of all time. The fact that most of the biker extras were members of the real life Vigilante motorcycle club, riding customised Kwakas provided by Kawasaki Australia, only adds to the awesomeness of this film. In a post-apocalyptic world, Toecutter is the charismatic and barking mad leader of an outlaw biker club that clashes with cops including Mad Max.
Most Similar MotoGP Rider: Max Biaggi
Reason: Despite his obvious insanity, Toecutter has a small band of fiercely loyal followers, just like Max Biaggi has… well… Jorge Lorenzo.
Movie: Magnum Force (1973)
Character: Dirty Harry Callaghan
Bike: Triumph Tiger 100
In the first sequel to Dirty Harry, our hero Harry Callaghan has to hunt down a group of vigilante motorcycle cops. The villains are cruising around on rather stylish Moto Guzzi V7 police bikes, shooting scumbags who deserve to die. Towards the end of the film, Harry steals a bike from one of the bent coppers and ends up in a motorcycle chase. (The big Guzzi bikes magically change into more nimble Triumph T100 machines just in time for the stunts).
Most Similar MotoGP Rider: Colin Edwards
Reason: Motorcycles and hand cannons? Chuck in some barbecue and you’ve got yourself a day at the Texas Tornado Boot Camp, y’all!
Movie: No Limit (1935)
Character: George
Bike: Modified 1928 AJS H5
One of the greatest ever motorcycle movies, and also one of the stupidest. This was the second film to feature the hugely popular English comedy star George Formby. All of Formby’s films follow the same format. A down-trodden mama’s boy has to save the day and get the girl despite being a complete buffoon. (85 years later, Adam Sandler is still following this exact same formula). George has to somehow win the Isle of Man TT on an AJS bike that has been stupidly modified for comedy effect. No Limit is adored by hard-core TT fans because it has amazing footage of those old 1930s British bikes being ridden around The Island by utter lunatics, and there are some great stunts too.
Most Similar MotoGP Rider: Neil Hodgson
Reason: Hapless muppet from Lancashire soars to victory, largely due to sheer dumb luck. Could be remade as the story of Hodgson winning the World Superbike Championship.
Movie: Quadrophenia (1979)
Character: Jimmy Cooper
Bike: Lambretta Li 150 scooter
Based on an atrocious (but beloved by poncey music journo types) concept album by The Who, this is a surprisingly decent indie film about shattered dreams and disillusionment. Set in the late 1960s when suit-wearing, amphetamine-guzzling, scooter riding Mods clashed with leather-wearing, beer-guzzling, motorcycle riding Rockers. (The whole Mods vs Rockers thing is now considered to be a huge media hoax. Luckily our modern media would never just make stuff up like that…) Our hero is a Mod who rides around on a scooter modified in the Mod style with tons of extra rear-view mirrors (Hell, when you’ve got 6bhp on tap, you’d be crazy not to add 35kg of useless and stupid-looking accessories!) Modern day Mods love this film because it has Mods in it, even though it mostly portrays them as a bunch of pretentious, preening imbeciles.
Most Similar MotoGP Rider: Bradley Smith
Reason: Whiny Englishman rides around slowly on a rubbish bike, which he then crashes. Who else could it be?
Movie: The Great Escape (1963)
Character: Virgil “Cooler King” Hilts
Bike: Triumph TT Special 650
There really was a great escape from the World War 2 aircrew prison camp Stalag Luft III, but there really wasn’t a motorcycle involved and all the Americans who helped dig the tunnel had been transferred away to another camp before the escape. Real-life biker Steve McQueen, who starred as Virgil Hilts, demanded an exciting motorcycle sequence to help him upstage the movie’s other megastars James Garner and Richard Attenborough, so the film’s producers just made one up. His character’s attempt to do a Johnny Knoxville style leap to freedom over the border into Switzerland is now one of cinema’s most iconic motorcycle scenes, even if they did use a Triumph instead of an actual WW2 Kraut bike. This movie cemented McQueen’s reputation as Hollywood’s coolest star.
Most Similar MotoGP Rider: Valentino Rossi
Reason: Whether you love him or just moan about him on the internet, there’s no doubt that Vale is the biggest star that motorcycle racing has produced in decades. His charisma alone puts him right up there with bike racing legends such as cheeky Cockney Barry Sheene and dashing Italian Giacomo Agostini. Steve McQueen is one of the few Hollywood stars who can boast a fanbase as devoted as Valentino Rossi.