Arm pump: the most terrifying epidemic of recent years. We bring you our Q & A guide to arm pump as part of our quest to answer the questions that nobody is asking.
Q – Arm pump? That’s a stupid name, isn’t it?
A – Yes. Doctors prefer to call it compartment syndrome in order to sound more intelligent.
Q – So, what is it?
A – The muscles of the forearm are surrounded by a protective sheath called the fascia. If the muscles swell up too much due to injury or repeated stress, the pressure inside the fascia increases. This can lead to pain in the arm, numbness in the hand and loss of movement.
Q – That would suck.
A – Well, that’s a statement rather than a question, but yes.
Q – What’s the treatment?
A – The fascia sheath is either slit open to relieve the pressure, or possibly removed altogether in an operation called a fasciotomy. I strongly recommend that you do NOT look up fasciotomy on Wikipedia.
Q – OH MY GOD!!! That’s so gross! Like, Saw movie gross!
A – Well, not inventively gross like the original Saw. Just plain gross like Saw IV or Saw V, when the franchise was really hitting the skids.
Q – The new Saw reboot is supposed to be half decent.
A – Yeah, I’ve heard that too.
Q – Is there a non-surgical treatment?
A – Jorge Lorenzo has claimed that he prevented arm pump with physiotherapy, but as he has ongoing feuds with most of the grid, nobody wants to try it in case they prove him right.
Q – So, is arm pump a totally fake condition that riders are just making up?
A – They claim it’s for real, but then they would, wouldn’t they?
Q – Hey! I thought I was the one asking the questions!
A – Oh, yeah. Anyway, there is a condition called Munchausen Syndrome. To quote from Wikipedia (one of the few internet sources even less reliable than MGPN):
“The affected person exaggerates or creates symptoms of illnesses in themselves to gain examination, treatment, attention, sympathy or comfort from medical personnel. It often involves elements of victim playing and attention seeking. Patients also have a history of recurrent hospitalization, travelling, and dramatic, extremely improbable tales of their past experiences.”
Under this definition, all MotoGP riders are suffering from severe Munchausen syndrome. Arm pump would be a great excuse to undergo yet another surgical procedure.
Q – How about physical causes?
A – There’s a strong argument that the forces generated by modern MotoGP bikes make them basically unrideable by normal humans. With 300bhp on tap and carbon brakes that can decelerate the bike at 2G, the amount of stress put through the rider’s forearms is insane.
Q – And this makes arm pump inevitable?
A – Not necessarily. MotoGP riders want to be as light as possible so there’s less blubber for the bike to cart around the track. Most of them are therefore dangerously underweight and have skinny little noodle arms. If they had big, Popeye forearms they might not get arm pump, but they’d weigh another kilo or two.
Q – So one way or another, arm pump is basically the result of a bunch of lunatics riding completely insane motorcycles?
A – Exactly.