Liberty Media have turned F1 from a snoozefest race series into a stupid reality show with a snoozefest race series attached, kind of like how a petrol station is really a rip-off convenience store with petrol pumps attached to draw in extra customers.
In the case of F1, Drive to Survive is basically an update on those Paris Hilton reality shows where a bird-brained millionaire wanders around being an idiot. The main difference being that the F1 drivers don’t get arrested for doing 90 past a school ‘cos the cops have been anaesthetised by the mind-numbing lack of overtaking.
But which reality TV show will Liberty Media turn MotoGP into in order to make it a phenomenon on Netflix? We run through the options on which MotoGP reality show Suzy Perry will be presenting in a couple of years’ time.
Hate Island
The riders are flown to a beach resort. The only available drinks are highly alcoholic cocktails. Viewers vote on which riders they want to pair up, based on how much they hate each other’s guts. Marc Marquez and Bez being forced to have a candle-lit dinner and moonlit walk on a tropical beach would be hilarious!
Little Brother
All the good riders are locked into a house and forced to perform tasks by MotoGP’s cohort of rubbish younger brothers. In return they receive rewards such as food and water. Viewers vote someone out every week, filling up the MotoGP grid from the back to the front. First out gets an HRC ride, while the last man standing gets a factory Ducati.
I’m in a Japanese Team, Get Me Out Of Here!
The Honda and Yamaha riders are deposited deep in the Australian jungle. Viewers phone in to vote on which of them should have to dine on kangaroo testicles and other such crap that Aboriginals stopped eating when McDonalds arrived down under. The winner gets a satellite Ducati ride.
Hell’s Kitchen VR46
The riders are formed into a kitchen brigade and have to run the VR46 hospitality restaurant. Every night, Gordon Ramsay screams foul-mouthed abuse at everyone, encouraging them to cook food to Michelin hospitality standards. It won’t be easy cooking 120 covers a night for 30 team members, 30 guests plus Uccio. (30 + 30 + Uccio = 120 meals) If Gordon completely loses it and throws the whole lot of them out of the kitchen, then VR46 switches to Yamaha.
America’s Next Top Rider
Contestants compete in a fashion contest to win a seat at Trackhouse Team MAGA (Make Aprilia Great Again). The fashion show is held at the Texas Tornado Ranch, so all garments must consist of USA flags turned into clothing. Extra points are awarded to whoever can spit tobacco juice into a spitoon from the furthest distance, and to who can shoot the most cans of Bud Light with a full magazine of .50 cal from 1,000 yards.
Real Housewives of Andorra
Never mind the riders, let’s have a reality show about their wives. Viewers will marvel at their skills in shopping, drinking cocktails and having bigger swimming pools installed. The biggest bitch wins her hubby a factory Ducati contract. Anyone caught being nice to shop assistants at expensive boutiques will doom her husband to a 4 year factory Honda deal.
Skid Games
The Korean Netflix sensation Squid Games featured contestants battling in childhood games to win a life-changing sum of money, while the losers were condemned to death. In the MotoGP version, Skid Games, contestants take part in childhood games such as lying down side by side in the street while a lunatic friend uses a wobbly makeshift ramp to jump over them on his BMX. (I seriously can’t believe that none of us got killed when we played that. And they say social media is dangerous for young ‘uns). The losers are doomed to a fate worse than death: a satellite Honda ride in WSBK. The winners get a Honda MotoGP ride (the bike’s a pile of crap, but at least the money is great!)
Conclusion
There’s no way that Liberty Media will leave MotoGP as a race series without a reality TV component. It’s just a matter of choosing which dumbass reality show that MotoGP should be turned into.