Now I’m a very inclusive journalist. Probably more inclusive than what I am successful. I think having to struggle through childhood with my private education and numerous holidays means I have learnt to listen to everyone who has the same narrow-minded opinions as myself.
Which leads me to my main point: The violence against Tom Booth-Whatever his name is – and how I’m once again the journalist most offended.
The video of him being beaten by his mechanic was shocking. It’s just a shame that Tom’s not black. Or a woman. Then I could have really gone off on one – that would have been sweet. But who’s to say he’s not? Or he may identify as a lamppost? Or he might even be Welsh? It certainly would explain why he was discriminated like he was and with no evidence on the contrary, it’s the only sane conclusion.
Now some have suggested on Twitter that I didn’t break the story. I’ve of course blocked those racists. But the point is not who first published the story but who then banged on about it the most on social media. And I think you’ll find that was me. Not like that fascist Oxley.
I think what sets me aside, or more accurately above, normal people like you is what I say rather than what I do.
Take the violence in this video. I’m against all kinds of violence – whether it be physical or bigoted misgendering. In fact I’d go as far as stating that all violence is wrong and anyone who commits violence should themselves have to suffer violence as a punishment. As long as they’re white males. Otherwise that would be discrimination at the hand of the white supremist leaders.
As you see no one has done more to bring justice for Tom Thingy-Anus than me. Which is probably why inevitably the story now mainly revolves around myself and my progressive journalistic style. But I won’t stop there. No, I’ll fix the problem. I’ll fix the problem with some of my own slam poetry:
Aggression is the law of man
And violence is his tool
Crushing down all lesbian rights
At home and in the school.
This day is dark, but the fight goes on
My views spreading like the litter
But don’t dare question what I say
Or I’ll block your arse on Twitter
You’re welcome Tom. Even if it was, inevitably, above you and everyone else.
Let’s not forget I was taking the knee for BLM Matters and posting it on my social media long before I even knew what it was about. In fact I’m not even sure now – not that it matters. What matters is knowing I did something. And more ‘something’ than anyone else.
What I do know is that I’m offended by it. My knee still has the scab on it from all the posed photos I did. Luckily for my knee no one seems to mention it anymore so there’s no point bothering – I’ve got other tofu-based fish to fry.
Onto Australia and we, the MotoGP big players that is (so not you), really need to think about the planet.
As I’m sat here flying around the globe Business Class I’m thinking about all the waste our sport creates in travelling such distances. I’m pondering do we really need all the spongers and hanger’s on? Take mechanics. Each team has loads of them – but are they all really necessary? I know a lot about travelling (more than you) and I know keeping all the receipts for the champaign and top restaurants to claim back as expenses soon add up. That’s a lot of paper. Paper that’s killing the planet. And how do we know that the tree used for the receipts didn’t come from Africa?
Australia is a horrid place. Where white men once again crushed the peace-loving indigenous Aboriginal locals. I’m guessing having a bone through the nose and one of those bent sticks they throw around probably didn’t fit in with the racist ogres. This makes me so angry I’m bleeding inside – my insides are literally blood.
Who the hell ever gave Phillip the right to claim that Island? You may not be progressive enough to ask that but I am. And who said they could build a race track on the island over the bones of millions of Aboriginal locals? They could have at least asked the permission of Nova Peris.
As we’re travelling to Australia no doubt the focus of attention will be on the horrid bigot Jack Miller.
Also I noticed that Miller’s got married. And surprise, surprise it’s to a white woman. Obviously an Aboriginal trans isn’t good enough for him?
But don’t worry – I’ll have the last laugh when I do my widely acclaimed ‘rider ratings’. He could win the race by a mile and he’ll not get top marks! That will help ruin his career given all the team managers use my ratings as a basis for hiring.
Furthermore if he ever calls me out in a press conference again then expect me to send some anonymous emails to KTM next year stating how offended I am by his actions and that they should sack him even before the season starts. We’ll see who’s laughing then – although it won’t be me. I’ve never smiled. The closest I can manage is when the muscles in my face twitch due to my acute gluten allergy.
Seb P
Sebastian Piffleton is a completely fictional MotoGP journalist. When he’s not lording it up at MotoGP races he likes to spend his time virtue signalling and scanning the internet for things to pretend to be offended by. Sebastian has no motorcycle racing experience but acts like he does.