The factory Ducati MotoGP team are putting hamsters in the front tyres of their bikes to gain an advantage, according to highly placed sources. In this exclusive report, we explain the latest scandal to rock the Italian team.
What is being alleged?
Speaking anonymously to MotoGPNews, a senior MotoGP engineer has exclusively revealed to us that Ducati are placing hamsters in the front Michelin tyres of their bikes. “Everybody in the paddock knows that Ducati have been enhancing performance by putting hamsters in the front tyre,” said our source. “It’s about time somebody put a stop to it.”
Why would they do this?
Our anonymous source explains that “There is a performance advantage in having a 2-wheel drive bike. Sending drive forward from the engine needs a complicated transmission system that adds a great deal of weight. However, hamsters inside the wheel will naturally scramble forward, helping to pull the front of the bike around turns and onto the straight. This 2-wheel drive system is especially useful if your rider is ploughing through a gravel trap because he was hit by Joan Mir, or if he got scared and fell off because his pit board said +0.0 BASTIANINI”
Can other rodents be used?
“There are other animals that like to run around in wheels, such as certain types of chinchilla, but hamsters have the optimum balance of size and power to weight ratio.”
Linked to tyre pressures
“Just like human beings, hamsters are vulnerable to getting decompression sickness if they are subjected to high pressures then returned to normal,” said our source. “This explains why Ducati have been running such low front tyre pressures. It stops the hamsters getting The Bends.”
The evidence
At first sight, the following picture of the Ducati team celebrating Pecco’s win at Jerez looked normal. But on closer inspection, an unusually large number of hamsters can be seen taking part in the festivities. This raised serious suspicions.
We were able to confirm the suspicions by speaking on even greater terms of secrecy with a Ducati mechanic.
“Of course we’re using hamsters, or criceti as we call them in Italy,” said our Ducati source. “It gains us up to 3 tenths of a second per lap, but it has caused some problems. At one point there was a lot of yelling and throwing of crash helmets in Jack Miller’s side of the garage. It turned out that Jack had gone crazy after one of the hamsters beat him in a game of tic-tac-toe. We had to take away Jack’s crayons to stop him playing any more.”
Manufacturer recommendations
We asked Michelin for a statement. A spokesman for the French company replied, “What the hell do we care? You’re lucky we even make tyres at all instead of just going on strike!”
Animal cruelty?
When we asked if putting hamsters in the front tyre was cruel, our Ducati source shrugged. “Hamsters love running around in wheels. Of course, they can get a bit agitated after being spun at 3,000rpm in a dark and noisy environment like the inside of a MotoGP tyre. One time a few of them escaped into the KTM garage and started chasing Dani Pedrosa. He managed to climb on top of an upturned flower pot with a pack of snarling hamsters circling and snapping at his heels. Luckily Brad Binder saved the day by sticking lollipop sticks up the hamsters’ backsides and barbecuing them as a snack.”
Code of Silence
Is there a code of silence in the MotoGP paddock that stops people speaking out against rule breaking? We spoke to a journalist who has been ostracized after revealing a previous Ducati rulebreaking incident.
“It used to be that I could walk into any hospitality venue in the paddock and get loads of free food and coffee. But after annoying Ducati, I’m like a leper around here. At Le Mans I had to survive by scrounging leftover beansprouts from Indonesian Moto3 riders.”
The Future
Will Ducati stop putting hamsters in their front tyres, or will the rest of the paddock just start doing it too and pretend it was legal all along, like they did with the little wing on the swing-arm? Only time will tell. We can only hope that more MotoGP sources have the courage to come forward when the rules are being broken.