The Dakar rally – a glorious chance for rich white men to drive expensive Redbull sponsored vehicles at breakneck speeds through poor areas clipping the occasional child with no real consequences. No one really ever watches the race as it takes about a month or so – instead we tune into the highlights to hopefully see some expensive crashes or a stray mischievous landmine causing havoc.
To spice things up the Dakar is traditionally run in countries that hate white westerners – so there’s always the looming threat of a terrorist based attack. Indeed this year a terrorist road car explosion at a hotel injured 30 people including a driver and prompted fresh questions regarding ‘what’s the point of this event’?
Despite the incident the 2022 Dakar rally went ahead as usual – with one difference. Normally no one outside this elite sport knows or cares about any driver or rider in the Dakar…until this year.
Step forward Mr Niceguy Danilo Petrucci.
Ex-MotoGP race winner Danilo ended his GP career by announcing that he’d like a crack at the Dakar and so KTM gave him a bike!
Stage 5 win
In his very first Dakar Rally Petrucci was to star in stage 5 of the event in Saudi Arabia when he finished second to his KTM teammate Toby Price. However Price was handed a six minute penalty for speeding in a zone specifically designed to allow the competitors to appreciate the beauty of how poor some of the local people are.
The penalty gave Danilo, who quenches his thirst in the desert with peanut butter, the race win and became the first rider ever to win in MotoGP and Dakar – something that probably annoyed Carl Fogarty.
Fighting camels
However after the race the once-nice Italian turned evil claiming to have nearly crashed during the stage.
According to Petrucci the crash was caused by nearly hitting a camel that was inexplicably wandering around in its natural habitat and stepped out of nowhere in the vast openness of the desert. The furious Italian claimed he’d wanted to fight the camel and even took to Twitter to have a go at the inconsiderate animal.
“Petrucci had that evil glint in his eye that made me feel uncomfortable – like what Hitler had or Jos Verstappen” explained one member of the media. “We were told before he joined the sport that he was a nice guy and my wife said I should invite him over. Not now. He’d probably throw my cat out of the window and upset my kids by telling them Father Christmas is actually Bradley Smith”
Is he right about Saudi men valuing camels more than women?
Of course not – they’re valued exactly equally.
Why has Petrucci turned evil?
The searing heat of the Dakar combined with the intense physical exhaustion the riders suffer can cause their cognitive behaviour to be impaired. However it’s probably still not an excuse for wanting to kick a mammal in its spleen – unless of course you’re Australian and then it’s just evolution.
Could it be eremikophobia?
No. Eremikophobia is the fear of sand – and is of course 100% not real. Back in the early 2000s it was trendy to come up with imaginary phobias that you suffered from as a way to seek attention to yourself. Thankfully this trend died out and has been replaced by the trend of being offended by everything and taking to social media to tell everyone how offended you are.
What next?
With his newly found hatred for stuff in Saudi Arabia MotoAmerica were keen to sign up the Italian as they believed he had all the correct credentials needed to be accepted in the USA. Petrucci is now set to join Ducati riding a V4 R Panigale in the American series and will test the bike in Portimao early next month.
Note: MGPN would like to condone fighting with any camels. However if they flutter their long eyelashes at you then spit in your face then all bets are off and it’s fair game to have a crack.
Also note: MotoGPNews are pleased to report that despite many references to camels in this article we never once succumbed to using a cheap ‘hump’ joke. We believe this is a journalistic first and therefore have submitted the article to be shortlisted to receive a Pulitzer Prize.