Yee-haa! MotoGP headed to the arrogantly-named Circuit of the Americas in Austin, Texas, y’all! Texans generally consider Austin, Texas to be filled with godless heathens, communists and danged demmycrats, so having a bunch of Europeans in town didn’t lower the tone much. The MotoGP race had its moments but wasn’t too exciting overall. This is a good thing as an exciting race would’ve finished off the remainder of the Texan crowd who hadn’t already succumbed to heart attacks during the Moto3 race. (Admittedly, some of these cardiac events may have been due to the 72oz burgers and trashcan-sized buckets of fried chicken that the “amply proportioned” typical American mostly lives on).
Top ten riders rated out of ten:
Marc Marquez – 10 out of 10
A flawless race from the Catalan, who now has approximately 1.7 functioning arms. He checked out right at the start. Rossi fans hate when he does this. Not because of the enemy victory, but because they don’t get to boo him for ramming other riders. Of course, Marc now only goes well on anti-clockwise circuits. (Does this mean that in the southern hemisphere he now only goes well on clockwise circuits?)
Fabio Quartarararo – 9 out of 10
Now has one hand on the championship trophy. (Hand, front foot, I’m not sure what you call the two inedible foremost limbs on a frog). This time out, Fabio finished a mere 11 places higher than the next Yamaha rider, so his standards may be slipping.
Pecco Bananas – 8 out of 10
Continues his run of good form, but dropped way back and had to battle his way to the podium. Needed a better start to capitalize on his pole position.
Alex Rins – 8 out of 10
As random as ever, this time the Suzuki Spaniard who… (checks Wikipedia) did not win last year’s title pulls out another good finish to add to his bingo card of results.
Jorge Martin – 8 out of 10
Another great performance from the rookie. Had a pointless long lap penalty for running off the track, even though he lost time doing it. Next time he should focus on gaining time when he runs off the track.
Enea Bastianini – 8 out of 10
A sneaky double overtake when the two guys ahead tangled gave the non-Rossi-aligned young Italian an excellent 6th place on his ancient Ducati.
Jackass Miller – 7 out of 10
Started from 10th and finished 7th despite being quick all weekend. Claimed he got a dodgy tyre in qualifying, while Michelin claimed that he did his out lap too slow. (Any tyre that needs its out lap measured to within a few seconds sounds pretty dodgy to me). Jack battled hard but lost places after he first deliberately let his title-chasing team-mate past, and again when he got rammed by Mir for the umpteenth time this year.
Joan Mir – 5 out of 10
The (by a process of elimination) reigning world champion Spanish Suzuki rider was docked a place after his Marquez-esque overtake on Jackass. Any more collisions with the Aussie and he’ll be getting a polite knock on his motorhome door one evening. (By which I mean he’ll get his motorhome door drunkenly kicked in at about 3am). Should be docked further places for his refusal to use the number 1 plate to differentiate himself more from his team-mate. (What idiot started that trend anyway?)
Brad Binder – 7 out of 10
Top KTM (as usual) in 9th place. A bit disappointing given that KTM should know how to build a bike that goes well over a track that’s as bumpy as a tarmac lined motocross track.
Pol Asparagus – 5 out of 10
Finished 20 seconds back from his team-mate Marc Marquez. After discovering how to ride a Honda, Pol seems to have forgotten again.
Selected other riders:
Andrea Dovizioso – 6 out of 10
Took 13th place on Morbidelli’s old bike, which is a total nail. He’s gradually getting back into the groove as he was 2nd Yamaha over the line.
Luca Marini – 5 out of 10
Finished in 14th and defeated his elder brother. That’s nothing to crow about this year, especially with the great form that his team-mate Bastianini is in right now.
Valentino Rossi – 5 out of 10
Scored one point for 15th place. Still trying, but still baffled by this year’s stupid Michelin tyres. Presumably because he’s not timing his out-laps right, or all the stickers on his bike are overloading the front tyre, or something. He’s also far too old to hold onto a MotoGP bike at race speeds on a track as moronically bumpy as COTA. (MotoGP bikes are so unforgiving that running over a Rizla paper is likely to fire the rider over the handlebars).
Taka Nakagami – 7 out of 10
Started well but folded under the pressure and crashed. Remounted to grab 17th place. Whenever he gets a great start towards the front, he always seems so surprised that he falls off. If this kid had Max Biaggi’s ego he’d be unbeatable. (But also achingly punchable, so he’s probably best off staying as he is).
Danilo Petrucci – 4 out of 10
Trundled over the line in 18th, despite the morale boost from being surrounded by American fans even bigger than he is.
Franco Morbidelli – 5 out of 10
Qualified reasonably well in 13th but could only finish 19th and last. Forced to slow down due to exhaustion caused by using his upper body to compensate for his mangled leg. At least it didn’t fall off, go under the rear tyre and highside him.
Aleix Asparagus – 4 out of 10
Ended up on the deck, like he did in most of the practise sessions. The Aprilia bike hates Texas so much that it should just give up and move to San Francisco. (Renting U-haul trailers is virtually free going that way, since nobody in their right mind would move from Texas to Frisco).
Race Direction – 1 out of 10
At the best of times, Moto3 riders are like a troop of agitated baboons playing with loaded revolvers. Giving them a 5 lap sprint race is like injecting those baboons with amphetamines and giving them each a live hand grenade too. If Race Direction were any more idiotic they’d be invited to form the next Australian government.