With the start of the new MotoGP season, it’s back to school for the riders (or going to school for the first time in Jackass Miller’s case) so let’s rate the riders on how they did on their first day back.
Top 10 finishers rated out of 10
Maverick Vinales – 10 out of 10
Perfect race, but the winner is lucky not to be docked a point for failing to keep up his record of sucking on race day. It’s just a shame that there were no fans present to celebrate his victory. The place was as quiet as Mo Farah’s doorbell.
Johann Zarco – 10 out of 10
Did brilliantly to finish in front of the factory Ducatis and make it 2 flakey nutters on the first 2 steps of the podium.
Frankie Bagnaia – 8 out of 10
Made his team-mate look like a dim-witted Bogan, but beaten by a French lunatic on a similar bike.
Joan Mir – 9 out of 10
Brilliant until the last corner, which he ballsed up magnificently after being distracted by a donkey that looked like it needed running over. Still, the result bodes well for the rest of the season since most tracks don’t have a kilometre long straight.
Fabio Quartararararo – 7 out of 10
Must make up better excuses for getting hammered by his team-mate. Bleating about set-up and shrugging just won’t cut it in a factory squad.
Alex Rins – 7 out of 10
Decent race, but beaten by his team-mate as usual.
Aleix Asparagus – 9 out of 10
Took the underfunded Aprilia nail to within 6 seconds of victory, giving a glimpse of what might have happened if Dovi was riding it. Excellent showing from the random Spaniard.
Pol Asparagus – 6 out of 10
Beaten by his brother despite being on a vastly more expensive bike with much more power and dozens more technicians behind the scenes.
Jackass Miller – 5 out of 10
Says he needs to learn how to make the rear tyre last a full race distance. Anything that involves Jack and learning definitely rings alarm bells.
Enea Bastianini – 7 out of 10
Top rookie finisher.
Selected other riders:
Valentino Rossi – 4 out of 10
Brilliant in qualifying, terrible in the race. Didn’t even manage to come up with a good excuse. However, this did prevent the TV director from cutting to pictures of Uccio in the pit garage.
Miguel Oliveira – 8 out of 10
Was nowhere in the race, but post-race rant from the mild-mannered “Portuguese Dovi” against Michelin’s useless tyres should be recognized.
Jorge Martin – 7 out of 10
Great early on, and as a rookie he actually has an excuse for not understanding how to make the tyres last.
Franco Morbidelli – 8 out of 10
Kept riding an unrideable bike instead of pulling into the pits at the end of lap 1 and whining about it like Jorge Lorenzo probably would’ve done.
Marc Marquez – 10 out of 10
Was smart enough to do the pre-season test, realize that the Honda sucks around Qatar and decide to skip the first two races, using his mangled arm as an excuse.